so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
