im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
