A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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