I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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