I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
