So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
