He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
