walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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