What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
