I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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