U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
