a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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