i already hear my dad disowning me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
