He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
