my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
