Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
