i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
