Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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