I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
