I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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