And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
