just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
