You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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