she was so not down for the gang bang
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
we're so committed to being not committed
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
