Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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