i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
