Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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