How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
