He passed out mid-signature
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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