You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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