His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
