i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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