I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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