im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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