Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
