nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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