I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
