Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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