So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
