so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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