So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
