He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
