She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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