Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
