he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
