Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
