I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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