Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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