How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry about my life...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
