when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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