I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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