When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
